Guess it could have been worse. Last year I was alone too while Doug was doing who knows what in Canada...so it that sense it was the same. But I was with family so that made it better. Seeing couples dancing together etc etc...wondering what Doug was doing with his girlfriend. Torture. But hey I did get an attractive invite for a kiss if I came over but I wasn't going to duck out on family for it. I've ducked out on family too often and too long. I was there for them...
So other then journalling more and utilizing the 3 things in my last post I guess my only resloution is to move on, have a healthy happy baby, and know that karma will do what it needs to, to him, and for me. Yea, that's it.
Sat, Dec. 30th, 2006, 12:06 pm
(Dating aside) I've made it entirely to easy for people to be with me in the past.
1. Never make someone a priority who makes you an option.
2. Don't trust until given a reason to as opposed to trusting until given a reason not to.
3. Don't ignore actions because of their words.
Two and a half more months...Then I get to see my miracles face and getting my body back will be a bonus too, hehe.
Tue, Dec. 26th, 2006, 04:45 pm
Hmmm, Xmas was good. It was good to be with family and not be alone. I can't imagine how I would be feeling if I had decided to remain in Reno by myself and do this physically alone.
Some days still can be a lot rougher then others.
Almost two weeks ago now I dismissed Doug from having any further contact in my life and any future contact in my daughters...The only thing I regret about that is how I did it. I made it sound as if it was because he has a new girlfriend that I was taking away from him the only thing I could. Of course I did it to hurt. But I forget you can't hurt people who have successfully figured out how to drown out their own conscience in order not to hurt.
The truth is that while of course I am utterly hurt by him I did it because he was already letting the new girl get in the way of doing what he should be doing. Instead of trying to keep in minimal contact via email about his own daughter he said he hasn't been intouch partly because of her.
Call me a pussy but if he was already putting someone new in front of anything that has to do with his daughter I don't want to risk putting Andra out there to ever feel how I do.
I don't ever want her to feel unimportant to anyone and Doug simply isn't capable of making Andra important enough in his life for me to justify having to continue any further contact.
After I sent the email stating I wanted myself, nor Andra, to have anything to do with him I blocked any return email, and any other ways he has to contact me online...and of course he did what any coward like him would do. Nothing.
I don't care who you are if you are set on being a good father you'd fight for your child no matter what anyone said including the mother...period.
He did not call, or try any other method that might be even the slightest bit more inconvient for him, to change my mind and fight for rights to his daughter. That's how much he cared, that's how much he would put himself out for her.
He is the only dark side to my life and I working on getting out of the damn shadows. I am going to have a beautiful healthy little girl as a result of all this crap I let myself get into and hell ya it's worth it even when it's tough. I have a loving family who is going to love the hell out of her she will never have to feel like I do because he will never have that chance.
I need to keep track of myself.
You'd think it wouldn't be that hard but for me it is.
Everyday is different like night and day.
I feel so much and so little at any given point and it's good to know where I have been when I get to where I am going.
I don't know if I am going to go through everything that has happened this year again cause I am sure I will have emotional reminders for a while yet.
I just need to start fresh and New Years is a good thing for that.
I can't tell which year was worse over the last 3 but since things come in 3's I think this coming year is going to kick ass. It will be super duper hard but it's going to be one of the best years of my new life as a mother.
I just need to hang in there and not be so hard on myself. I am by no means perfect and that is ok as long as I stay aware of my actions and always strive for better.
Not just for me anymore. For myself and my daughter.
Some other prego chick said this and I was like YES! It's great when everyone you talk to has advice. Damn the fact you can't hear sarcasm here.
My mother had the nerve to tell me that giving our son (if we are able to verify again for sure it's a boy) a cirumcision would be like mutilation.
Woah - I was not happy with that comment at all. She sounded like a piece of propaganda. I did not think she would say something like that to me?
I understand though she is an individual and I won't always like what she says or do things the way she does. But that comment was over the boundary for me.
If she had taken a less personal attack approach and a more informative approach it would have been a bit more tactful.
I am already worried about being a good mother, lest I need the guilt of thinking I am mutilating my child if I decide to have the boy circumcised. The father has already made it clear his wishes for his son to have it done as he has.
Ugh so one the lighter side, it is SO very cool to know I have a really active baby. I feel them kick from the inside, and the outside 3-4 times a day. I actually felt them previous at about 13 weeks but until they got stronger I did not know it was them. ;)
I can't even explain the feeling to know there is a little life growing inside, and made of you, saying hello.
A packing, packing, and more packing. Moving home is coming up fast!
Fri, Sep. 22nd, 2006, 09:22 am
You'd think after almost 10 years a dream about him wouldn't make me cry.
It wasn't a bad dream, but just waking up to reality wasn't so nice.
Don't get me wrong I do have a lot to look foward to, it's just, as for love and relationships I feel devoid of what I had with him, since him.
I thought I had found it again but, again, reality taught me different.
4 months pregnant already. Still think it's gonna be a boy. We'll see.
Moving home will be good for both of us.
I really don't know where to begin.
We had/have soooo many issues it may be immposible to sort out.
I have "broken up" with my husband but we are still currently living together and occasionally even share a bed. I am having his child which he says he wants to be a part of even though he was treating our relationship like crap and I respond in like when hurt.
We can't really talk without anger or resentment. I can't trust him and he thinks I should even though he had done more to make me trust less then derserve it.
Things between us seem pretty dismal and we are stuck living together at the moment. He has no where else to go here and to send him home would be forfeiting his only chance to move here when the child gets here.
We have love for each other but I am unhappy with "him" and he doesn't even know how to deal with "us" so we are somewhere in this shitty limbo. He is unhappy not being able to provide and has been acting out by doing things that make it even more difficult for even a hope we can stay even friends.
He has been a bit better. But it's not by much and he is sure as I am that will do something eventually that will make this even more unbearable.
Oh well on a positive note I have the first pic of the peanut inside of me that will become it's own person someday. I can't wait to meet him/ or her.
Girl- Andra Marie Drouin
Boy- Aiden Douglas Drouin
Also, Doug read his first pregnancy book. It was an easy less serious read but still he read it and I could see the glow in his eyes when he touched the pooch on my belly last night. He is proud in a way, and I know he is looking forward to being a dad, fear or not, but the shadow of us sometimes makes it hard to bear.
Anyways, I am doing fine though. No sickness at all, in fact I feel completely normal aside for pissing all the time and it's a little uncomfortable to sleep on my tummy already.
I will post a pic when I scan it from my mothers home this weekend.
It will be nice to be home for a couple of days. *sigh*
I am 8 weeks along and peanut is about an inch big now.
I think I am going ot have a boy. But that's just a guess for now.
Tue, Jul. 11th, 2006, 06:37 pm
I am pregnant.
And as usual there is a lot more to it then that.
So I will post more about this later when I am feeling more up to it.
Wed, Jul. 5th, 2006, 03:24 pm
It's a shame I can't be happy about this.
It's a shame that one thing I always knew would make me a better person in life, and to myself, I may have to destroy.
to be continued...
Thu, Jun. 8th, 2006, 01:57 pm
After weeks of insane amounts of stress and worry things are looking up.
My monetary postion is haphazard at best. I think I am flying on little more then faith that the universe will loan me trainning wheels, when it comes to money, for a bit.
I have lots of htings to look foward to, and things to deal with coming up.
I haven't been keep up with people lately. I am sorry.
But just for a quick update...
My husband is now in Reno, NV with me!
He almost did not make it.
After a few days of tears, worry, and several hundred dollars later he has arrived. So our situation did not get any better here but damnit we are TOGETHER.
Woooo! GO us!
StillDream party campout is next week!
Doug's surprise BBQ is this Saturday.
His B-day is next month ;)
I am getting a second job....
...at KMart *sigh*
Doug just got an awesome offer for a job!
Things are seriously looking up and I see sun at the edge of the clouds. Life falling together at the moment.
I can't wait for the serenity and to catch up with everyone!